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By Nolan Dalla


Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof....
-- First Amendment of the United States Constitution

We like to think of the United States as a "free" country. But are we really free? Are we at liberty to make our own decisions about how to conduct our lives? Consider that 22 of 50 states make it a crime to gamble! A crime! This means that 110 million Americans are threatened with heavy fines and/or imprisonment for gambling within the state's jurisdiction. And now, with the federal fascists getting heavy-handed with online gambling, we are in serious danger of losing even more freedom in this so-called "democracy."

Many state governments, backed by a politically powerful minority of moral crusaders, think people need to be
protected from themselves. They believe the government should assume the role of "Big Brother" and determine what's right versus wrong for everyone. For this reason, many of us live under archaic gambling laws that were written over a century ago by the same group of fanatics who later gave us the socio-economic disaster of Prohibition during the 1920s. Some track record, these moral crusaders have.

What does prohibition against gambling mean? It means unjustifiable hardships for those who enjoy gambling activities, but who are rooted in communities with prohibition. It means that a gambler who lives in North Carolina has to drive ten hours to the nearest casino in Atlantic City. It means that a blackjack player in Oklahoma has to spend $300 and get on an airplane to sit at a 21 table. It means that a poker player in Hawaii might as well take up checkers, instead. Talk about royally screwed.

Wherever the issue comes up, organized religion almost always spearheads the opposition against legalized gambling. Why is this so? I once theorized that religion and gambling are not necessarily on opposite sides of many important moral questions because of their differences. To the contrary, religion and gambling are often adversaries because they are so very much alike. Gambling and religion both satisfy primal urges within us and fulfill two essential human needs - providing both hope and optimism. In a sense, they are rivals beckoning the same target audience.

This got me to thinking, if you can't beat them, why not join them?

A few months ago someone contacted me about starting a "Poker Church." Don't laugh. I'm quite serious. The person wanted to know if I'd help publicize the foundation of a church in Maryland -- a state where casinos are now illegal. Maryland once had rich poker traditions. Charitable games were sanctioned by some counties and were legal for 20 years. Casino profits were used to buy equipment for local fire departments and improve public safety. Then one day, the power mad governor got it in his head that gambling was evil, and poker players in Maryland have been suffering ever since.

My associate's idea was to start a real brick and mortar church and declare ourselves a formal "congregation." Then, the members of the congregation would operate poker games inside and do plenty of praying, too -- I might add. The temple would be funded with a "tithe" -- 10 percent up to a $3 maximum taken from every pot. In order to meet the "non-profit" conditions that are required by law, the poker church would use all of its proceeds (minus operating costs to pay dealers and staff) to help the community. The church would thereby become a social hall and outreach center. If church bingo is legal in most states (pure gambling) -- why wouldn't a poker game be allowed (a skill game)?

I got to thinking seriously about this -- well, long enough to write a column about it, anyway. I'm no lawyer, but I wonder if pursuing poker as a religion -- which is a Constitutionally-protected fundamental right of all citizens -- might supercede the states' prerogative to forbid it? We could certainly make a persuasive argument in a court of law if our right to worship as we please was challenged by the government. Who knows, we might even get the American Civil Liberties Union on our side.

Sound far fetched? Think of it this way: If a bunch of lunatics in rural Tennessee can get away with worshipping rattlesnakes and drinking poison (this is a true case) and call that a "religion," what's to stop us from starting a Poker Church? Can anyone please explain what makes snake-handling a religion, but poker playing a crime? Isn't suicide or self-endangerment against the law? If it is, how then can snake handlers in these wacko backwater churches drink poison? I suppose it's not a crime to risk death, as long as it's done under the guise of practicing religion.

Here's another thought: How can the state block the establishment of a poker church, while at the same time sanctioning a parent's right to deny a child medical treatment based on religious beliefs? According to federal law, a parent can claim religious affiliation so as to deny children medication (which has actually cost lives) -- a decision upheld by the Supreme Court a few years ago. I would think that starting a Poker Church would be tame, by comparison.

If a Poker Church sounds far-fetched, consider that some mighty strange things are done in the name of religion in this country. In Louisiana and several other states, there are Voodoo churches which enjoy tax-free status. Some of the members of these churches drink chicken blood. There is even a church that worships Satan. According to their website it claims to have 75,000 members. Those rights are federally protected. I swear, I'm not making this stuff up. It's all true! These examples are called "legal precedents." Since just about anything goes in the name of religion -- since snakes and chickens (and children) can be harmed, even killed, to satisfy religious conviction -- why would any group be denied the right to gamble or play poker under the auspices that it is a fundamental part of our belief system?

Wait, there's more. Palm readers and soothsayers are protected by law. They're free to operate in all 50 states. They call that entertainment. These charlatans rip-off and destroy people's lives -- taking away precious life savings in some cases, while they enjoy the full protection of law as a legitimate business (and in some cases "churches"). These frauds are even allowed to advertise nationally (Example: "Miss Cleo," who was just indicted for fraud in Florida). These swindlers contribute absolutely nothing positive to society and are entirely based on deception (has any palm reader ever been scientifically proven to have a higher power?).
Nevertheless, we as a society allow them to operate. Why? Because, in general, we allow people to make up their own minds and exercise free will. But not when it comes to gambling! Miss Cleo and a bunch of quacks can dispel worthless "advice" and practice outright deception and receive the protection of law, but don't you dare try to bet $10 on a pair of kings! They'll throw your ass in jail for that!

The Poker Church would be open to everyone -- all ages, faiths, creeds, colors, and backgrounds. We would not discriminate. Everyone that joins the Poker Church comes in voluntarily of his or her own free will. We would be devoted to a clear set of beliefs. We believe in a higher power. We practice our religion in a ritualized manner. No snakes or charlatans -- just cards and chips. Our books of Testament were not written by Paul, Peter, and Jacob. Our holy books were written by Caro, Brunson, and Krieger.

Just as Catholics flock to the Vatican, Jews travel to Jerusalem and Muslim travel to Mecca -- the poker church has its foundations in (where else?) Las Vegas. But we won't have any Jimmy Swaggarts, Tammy Faye Bakers, or Priest-sex scandals. In fact, our church will be overseen by the strictest governing body -- a casino control commission. While other churches operate without oversight (and often produce scandal) our church will be clean.
It's probably goes without saying that during my lifetime I have spent more time inside casinos than in churches -- and that includes attending Catholic school during childhood. I'll wager that a lot of you reading this would say the very same thing. Nevertheless, I do consider myself a deeply spiritual person. I believe life's philosophical questions should be pondered and righteousness should prevail in society. We should all strive to be good and moral people. At the same time -- I also am passionate about protecting the freedom of the individual and taking responsibility for one's own actions. All faiths talk about having "free will." Sadly, very few practice what they preach.
This concludes Reverend Dalla's sermon for the day. Go in peace, my children.